Time passes

Hello all. Thanks for the comment Shar. This is Cheryl. We are all doing fine except for a few colds going around.

I continually check into Roxannes blog. It is a hard habit for me to break. You are right it is a matter of time to heal. It is 7 months now and I still catch myself crying sometimes. Yet as I say that we still do lots of laughing when we think of all the memories and good times we had with Roxy. You don't realize how much you miss or rely on someone until they are gone. And trust me we relied on each other lots.

My daughter Kirsten (4 years old) prays for aunty Roxanne almost every night. She asks God to watch over aunty. She knows aunty is in heaven and is not sick. She always asks that aunty has a good sleep. She says we will see you again aunty and then you can keep care of Uncle James and Justin. Amazing how it takes a 4 year old to keep things in perspective.

James and Justin are doing well. They have set some daddy and son guidelines. James is busy at school and Justin goes to a sitter everyday. It played ball and did lots of golfing this summer. Justin was in swimming lessons. We just had James's bday on October 28th and all the Brules were there and Rose Marie and Maurice came down as well. It is such a blessing that we can stay in close contact with them. Roxanne really wanted that.

I will continue to check in to this blog. Please keep me updated with everyone. I will continue to pray for Donna and Trina's dad with their cancer battles.

Take care all.
Thanks
Cheryl

Relay For Life

Hello everyone.
We are all do well. We still have our cries but the memories are amazing. James and Justin are keeping busy with golfing and stuff around the house. I have really been missing this blog. I have gone through the stages of checking it everyday and controlling myself from typing more. James will still post a final blog when he is ready.

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms. James, Justin and Roxannes parents went to her graveside and gave her roses. She loved to get roses, so I know she would have had a big smile.

We wanted to let you all know that we will be participating in the Canadian Cancer Relay for Life on June 15. There will be 2 teams entered as a tribute to Roxanne. One team is a family team and the other is colleagues of James's at Greenall.

If anyone is interested in supporting us please let us know. Pass this on to others as well. Email me at
cschoenroth@hotmail.com

Thanks again for all your support and continued prayers. We appreciate it.
You are all great!!!!!
Cheryl

Celebration

Hello all.

Today was a day to say good bye to Roxanne, my sister (in law). She was a fabulous lady who was well loved by all. You could tell by the numerous people who came to celebrate and support our families and the many comments you have sent.
Roxannes funeral service was beautiful. She is celebrating with Jesus. We were blessed with beautiful music by the Korte relatives. What amazing voices and talents they all possess. Father Dan and Father Abbot Peter delivered a beautiful Catholic service representing Roxanne and her love for Jesus. We were able to have a delicious lunch presented by the CWL ladies. Thanks to aunts and friends who brought dainties for the lunch. They were delicious.
Writing this blog was great for Roxanne, myself and all readers. It was a small thing that I could help Roxanne with in her fight against cancer. It helped us all to follow her journey and provide her with words of support. It was a great release for both of us.
Thanks to all for your support and words of encouragement. Keep posted for further blogs.

Cheryl

Just another tidbit....

In lieu of flowers the families request a donation to

Justin Brule Trust Fund
Box 665
Balgonie, Sask
S0G 0E0

Thank you
The Brule and The Strueby Families

Hello. We are in the process of funeral arrangements.

Prayers will be Monday April 9, 2007 at the Balgonie Roman Catholic Church at 7:30 pm.
The funeral will be Tues April 10, 2007 at the Balgonie Roman Catholic Church at 10:30 am.
Lunch will follow at the Balgonie Multiplex at Noon.
Everyone welcome. Lets gather to celebrate Roxanne's Life. We are truly blessed to have her in our lives.

Hello everyone. Just a quick note.

Roxanne went to be with the Lord tonight around 9ish. She fought a hard battle but the cancer kept growing into her brain and pancreas. The family was able to be with her right to her last breath. We will let you know when the funneral will be.

Thanks to all of you.
Cheryl

Hello all. Today was a day of minimal change.

This morning I went in to visit early. Her brother, Ron was just getting ready to go and get some sleep. James and I read the blog comments. Then the music therapist came. She brought her guitar and sang her a few songs. She sang Angel by Sara Mccloglin (not spelt right) and a Song by ABBA. It was so nice and relaxing.

Her heart rate and blood pressure are stable. She is still on the 60% ventilator and 40% her own. She was retaining fluid in her hands and face but they were giving her something to fix that. Her blood level was stable today also which is good. She has a cool bed that inflates and deflates so she is continually moving and not getting bed sores. What a great invention.

Ron and Leanne Holloway, Aunty Eva were up also. Michel and Nicole brought us up supper (KFC). Thank you again. All the family was up today except for Roxannes mom and dad. They went home for a prayer night with the Muenster community. What an amazing event they have planned. It is never ending the things that people are doing to support us. We love you all, even though I may not know you. You all have a special place in our hearts.

Justin went to preschool today. The preschool parents have started a list for bringing suppers. It is wonderful to have such special people to provide such great support. James just came and took Justin home. Justin was crying because he wanted to go home with daddy to his own bed. So it will be really good for both of them. James is still making his lesson plans for school. Someone asked us why...James said we don't know why but we are not looking back. We can only look to the future and pray that Roxanne will build up her strength so we can golf or camp this summer....

No news right now is good news.
Thanks to everyone for everything you are doing.
Cheryl

Well another day has gone by and I can assure you that Roxanne is resting comfortably.

Things have little change from the last posting. She is using 60% ventilator and 40% her own breathing so it is fluctuating alittle. James and I were up there this morning with Roxanne. I read some of my Chocolate dipped Faith book with them. It was a book that we were to read together so now she gets to listen to me read it. It was such a wonderful time, if that makes any sense.
Melainie Morrow sent up lunch for us. Thank you Mel. Glen (James's little brother) and Mik are very grateful for all that you are doing and the support you are giving them and the rest of us.
James was able to go to Balgonie and do some work and planning that he felt he to needed to do. It is still part of the reality that he wants to do. I don't know alot of what went on this afternoon evening as I haven't talked to James yet. I took Justin and Kirsten (my daughter) to a birthday party for one of their preschool friends. They had so much fun. He has been hanging out here tonight playing with Dylan. Boys sutff.... He is staying here tonight and sleeping peacefully. Sandra from Muenster (a very good friend of the Strueby's) had supper provided for us. She has been an inspirational women with all of her comments that she has left. We appreciate all that you do. And I know Rose Marie values you greatly.

When I talk to James I will be able to give you more info maybe.
It has been great to have family around: Roxannes family and mine. Her brothers have been spending alot of time there with her and I know she is loving every minute with them.
This is a very difficult thing to come to reason with but we are still praying for a miracle. God can do miracles!!! Roxanne is a determined woman and a fighter....

Keep praying for that miracle. Thanks for all the comments and support. We all appreciate it.
I hope this isn't to mumbled jumbled. Talk to you all soon
Cheryl

Wow. The comments have been amazing and encouraging. I am going to keep this short as I am exhausted and have not slept much in a few days.

Roxanne is sedated and very comfortable and resting. Her hemoglobin was down so they gave her 2 bags of blood. By this afternoon it was all back to ok. She still has coughing spells but not as bad as yesterday. They are still giving her antibiotics to fight the pneumonia and we are hoping they are working. Her breathing is 55% ventilator and 45% her own. That is better than last night. The doctors have decided they can not use the camera as it is to small to get an accurate reading of what is going on down in her lungs. They were going to do a swab/check of what the fluids are down in the lungs.
Michel and Nicole brought up fruit and water for us this morning. Thanks for everything you guys keep doing. A coworker of James's, Carolyn and Jana brought us up a wonderful lasagna caeser salad meal tonight. Carolyn has been a great inspiration for James and we greatly appreciate you. Thanks to Dennis Scott (teacher from Whitewood and a good friend of our family) for stopping by also. Justin had a great day with the Strueby grandkids. I believe Aunty Nadine and Grandma S took him to the Science centre. James is hanging in there.
Thanks to everyone for your continuous support.

The comments are overwhelming for me. I print them off and read them to Roxanne. She does not respond but I do believe that she is hearing me. Thanks for all the prayers and amazing words that you all use. It is very difficult for me to read them all. And of course I do shed alot of tears but it shows how much Roxanne has been an inspiration and how much she is loved by all.
Thank you, Thank you!!!! PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY
I must get some rest. I will talk more tomorrow and I hope this makes sense.
Cheryl

Good morning. It has been a sleepless night.
We went up around midnight and they did the intubation surgery. Everything went well. She is using 85%ventilator and 15 % of her own breathing. She was very sedated so we believe she was resting and comfortable. They will slowly try to decrease the use of the ventilator and hope that her lungs will begin to work on their own. Now it is a waiting game again. I hope this is all making sense. Roxanne is way better at leave a blog.
Thanks to Nicole and Brian for bringing supper last night. It was greatly appreciated. It was my brother Brians birthday yesterday also that we will celebrate at a later date. Happy Bday Brian.
To Trina....I will read her your comment. She will be very pleased to hear from you. You are very special to her.

I need to try and eat something. We will talk soon.
PRAY, PRAY, PRAY..........
Cheryl

Well today has been an emotional time. Roxanne is fighting.
The pneumonia is not clearing up and the cancer is growing. They are giving her morphine and antibiotics. She is on a respirator all the time. She is still coughing more and more. She is fighting but the doctors have given her a two week prognosis. Tomorrow they are planning on intubating which is a breathing tube with a camera to see what is all going on down there. In laymans terms it is basically life support. This is one of the hardest blogs for me to write. We are praying and asking God for a miracle!!!! She is very weak and said that she knows she is dying but she is not ready to go. Thank you because we are not ready to let her go. We know she is going to a better place and God will take care of her. He has a plan for her and hopefully it is for her to stay with us. James is doing as well as expected and Justin is having good fun with his cousins. We took Justin and my daughter Kirsten up to see herand she was very happy for that. She told them that she loved them. She is very aware of what is going on.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. I have been passing on the comments to Rox when I go in to see her. We appreciate all of the support and calls from everyone.
Cheryl

moved to ICU

Good morning all. Well yesterday was a roller coaster of a day. It seemed everytime James called there was more discouraging updates.

When Roxanne went in for chemo Tues the doctors were very concerned with her breathing so Dr Salim sent her to a respiratory specialist where they said she has pneumonia in both lungs. Her breathing was still very difficulty and she does not talk due to that. Her heart rate is very high and they are very concerned about that (around 135-140ish). It is stable but they are concerned that it could cause a heart attack. Therefore they moved her to ICU for full care. They have been running many tests and found that the cancer is not shrinking. She needs CHEMO. Once they can get all of the above in order then they can start chemo. Hopefully that is soon.
She was very happy that her brother Ron and Jen came from Airdrie. Her brothers Ray, Reg and Nadine, her mom and dad and myself went up to see her. They were able to get James a bed so he could sleep up there with her. He stopped by here last night and is hanging in there. He got a little sleep Tues night before he had to plan for his substitute.
Roxanne is in the right place. She is a fighter and will beat this. She needs lots of rest and is taking anitbiotics to fight the pneumonia. When I was up last night she nodded that she was comfortable. Amen to that. She was not coughing as much which helps her to be more comfortable because as in earlier blogs that has been a battle of its own for her.

Justin stayed with Ava and Mabel Tues night. He had his Wed preschool. Then grandma and grandpa Strueby took him to play with Ethan and Olivia (Ron's kids) and Ava and Mabel (Reg's). He had a sleep over last night here and slept very well.

I haven't heard from James yet today but will keep this blog updated.
Keep praying and stay optomistic!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the comments and prayers.
Keeping you updated
Cheryl

Chemo WAS to begin

Hello all. Don't be to dissappointed but it is Cheryl bringing you the updates. It is a rainy, dreary, cool morning here in Regina. Just a quick note.....

I just got off the phone with James and he was on his way to the hospital. Roxanne was admitted to Pasqua Hospital yesterday to begin her chemo. When she went in Dr. Salim was concerned with her breathing so he sent her to a respiratory specialist to check her chest. They ran many tests and found that she contracted pneumonia in both lungs. So today they will be running more tests. It is a little frustrating as she has been complaining about her breathing, coughing and phlegm for quite awhile. Pneumonia just doesn't come on over night. I don't understand but anyway she is in the right place to get past this stepping block and hopefully can do chemo next week. Rox is a fighter!!!!!

I will keep you all posted as I hear. Any comments left I do read them to her while she is in the hospital. Keep praying!!!!!!!
Thanks
Cheryl

Got oxygen?

A nurse at the Cancer Clinic set me up with home oxygen Friday afternoon. The fastest way to get it...enrolling with the Palliative Care Program. I told the nurse I was having problems with the word palliative, she said to focus on the extra services they can provide. Their goal is to keep you as independent as possible. I have a meeting with a Palliative Care Assessor Monday afternoon to see what needs I have. This was a hard step for me, but I do want to access as much service as I can. Medigas showed up with oxygen by suppertime and after a short orientation, I was hooked up. I try not to use it at rest, but when I'm walking I cannot be without it.

My mouth is healing slowly, but it's like my body is ordering in extra phlegm from foreign countries. I'm drowning in it, choking on it, and puking it up. Hope I can get a suction machine from someone. I'm tempted to hook up to the shop vac James has in the garage. It's hard to sleep when you have to sit up and hack away at phlegm. The muscles in my shoulders, back, and stomach are aching with pain, so I continue to use codeine for relief. I feel bad because I woke up the whole house this morning at 6:30 with my coughing, now we're all tired.

Justin and James went to the Pats (hockey) game Friday night with Brian (James' brother). Justin had a great time as he was allowed to holler and cheer as loud as he wanted. Thank you to Uncle Brian for the free tickets and the shirt he bought Justin. The rest of the weekend had James and Justin biking around the crescent with me sitting on the porch watching. How I desperately wanted to be out there with them, but just don't have the wind or energy. Glen (James' brother) and his son Calder (1 year old) came for a visit Sat. I enjoyed the distraction of Calder, stumbling around, searching through toys and remember Justin so well at that age. It was good to see Linda Beutler (manager Broadview Hospital) on Friday as well, thanks for the visit!

With the beautiful weather and excitement of spring I find myself more upset with my health. I just want to be out there with everyone else, having fun. I feel like I've been "benched" for the big game, and I'm not happy about it. It takes alot of talking with friends, God, and myself to get out of that rut. I really have to focus on getting better and see myself out there eventually.

Feeling tough.

The last few days have been difficult. I feel my breathing is more labored when walking. For those of you with lung problems, you know what it feels like. It's very scary and then I begin to panic. When I'm in panic mode breathing becomes even more difficult. I have to sit down halfway up the stairs for a break. It's almost like my breathing is a team of runaway horses and it is so hard to catch up and gain control again. I phoned the Cancer Clinic to set up some home oxygen and I'm waiting for them to call me back (my Social Worker is on vacation).

There are other emotions too, crying easily, impatient, anxiety, and extreme fatigue. All feelings I've been told are common with chemo. You think about quality of life and how millions of people have gone through the same process, wondering how they did it. Because when you're in the middle of it yourself, it almost feels impossible. A simple walk from the bed to the bathroom to get my medication feels like miles. At least I'm able to rest whenever I need to. Sometimes I feel like I've slept for hours, then look at the clock and see it's only been 30 minutes. It makes the days feel long. I've been alone the past 2 days during the day. Justin goes to the sitter (Corrine Melnychuk) and even though he hasn't been there since December, he loves it. I wasn't too excited about being by myself, but somehow I get through. Cheryl stopped by yesterday t0 check in on me and today Yvonne Archer stopped by for a visit (fellow RN from Broadview). Simple things like setting up a tube feed, or taking medications on time feels like homework, but they have to be done.

Wed night I was happy to get a visit from Shawnee Kay, another fellow Broadview RN. I have to thank her and Yvonne for stopping by, even for a short visit. They both have such crazy senses of humor and big hearts. I never feel "up" for company, but when they get here, I don't want them to leave. The support I've received helps so much and is invaluable.

Vince, your message got through (and your mom's). I can't believe I had such power over you as a 5 year old to convince you to pretend we were married. You, Elita, and your mom have always felt like family to me and I'm pleased to hear all is well.

I've been receiving your emails and love hearing from you all. Take care and God Bless!

Saw Dr. Salim

Yesterday I was a jittery bundle of nerves and decided to phone my Social Worker at the Cancer Clinic. I said I was concerned about delaying chemo, and wanting my CT results, and my tongue was coated in white and very sore. She pounced into action, went directly to my nurse and relayed my concerns. My nurse spoke with Dr. Salim and called me back. They sent a script for a mouth rinse to my pharmacy that mom and dad picked up right away. She asked if I wanted an appointment with him Tueday (today) at 8:45 am. Of course, yes!

James took me to the clinic and mom and dad stayed with Justin. I had a different nurse who was very concerned about my shortness of breath when walking. This was the first time anyone had checked my oxygen saturation at the clinic (they could never find the machine). It was 91% at rest, but I know it's worse when walking. She also asked more questions and seemed thorough. God knows I needed someone like her today. She sent me for a chest x-ray to rule out other causes for short breath (fluid). I was given a wheelchair for James to push me to x-ray and thankfully he didn't crash me into a wall. I told James I could really get back into shopping if I had a wheelchair; he said that's why I won't get one.

Dr. Salim said my CT scan results were no worse or better than the last one. The good news is it's not getting larger. He noticed some shrinkage in smaller spots and said I was "stable". He wanted to compare today's x-ray with my last one. Of course it was taken at a different lab and had to be couriered over. He said we could wait until he reviewed both or go home. I was literally wiped out by then and chose to go home. He also gave me some codeine to help with mouth pain and ease my coughing. He reminded me that he was doing his best and so was I, and we're not done.

Chemo will have to wait until next week as he wants my mouth to have a chance to heal. Even a small infection during chemo could lead to a big mess. If my mouth would have been okay he was willing to send me to Saskatoon for this week (if possible). I would have been so excited to go back there and see Dr. El Gayed and that crew again. I still find the care in Saskatoon was extra special and more thorough (sorry Regina). Although Dr. Salim has his moments where I have complete confidence and trust in him ( and he's pretty funny too).

What a relief to have some answers. The anxiety of the last few days has lifted and I had a great nap when I got home. Dr. Salim reminded me that extreme fatigue is common with someone who gets the "heavy duty" meds like me. I would have loved him to say there was 50% shrinkage, but it is what it is. The lovely mouth rinse and codeine he gave me are easing my pain and decreasing my cough. I always had faith in meds and no wonder I was such a pill pusher at the nursing home (I used to take 15 minutes to help an old girl take her stool softener liquid and her pain reliever). I'm so glad I phoned in when I did. My Social Worker is amazing and I thank her continually for her help. So don't sit at home suffering next time, a phone call is all it takes to get the ball rolling.

Exciting day for me (because I left the house!). It's weird how I always feel better when I'm at the hospital. I guess it reminds me of work and work was family for me in Broadview (patients and co-workers). It just feels comfortable to me. I imagine that some day I'll be the nurse standing in line for coffee (make mine decaf).

Thanks for the love and prayers!

Coughing, Phlegm, and Fatigue

That title pretty much sums up my weekend. On Thursday and Friday Grandma Brule (James' mom) was here and she brought treats from the Broadview Bakery. Unfortunately, the donuts don't last very long and I can only eat half a donut at a time (half a donut...how pathetic!!). I wish I could say I'm eating more, but I'm not. I keep tube feeding three times a day, but I really miss the social part of eating. I don't eat with everyone else, I sit in the recliner or in my bedroom. It doesn't bother me to watch people eating, it's just discouraging to try and eat and have to stop because of sore teeth or nausea or something else.

Friday night I had a horrible sleep. Which also means so did James. I coughed for a long time and couldn't stop until I almost throw up. This leads to my chest, shoulder, and neck muscles aching with knots. I keep begging James to massage my back to distract me from coughing and ease the muscle pain. I've also talked Justin into rubbing my shoulders. He's not very good but at least he tries to help.

Saturday was Glen's (James' brother) birthday party. I went and ate cake and watched the kids playing (and screaming). I could have watched those kids horse around for hours but of course, I got tired. It was the stangest feeling of deja vu as I slept in the bedroom and everyone else played games and laughed. I remembered being a kid and having to go to bed when "the adults" stayed up. It's funny how even a simple memory can make you smile and make you feel a little better.

Today I battled with phlegm and nausea. I know now why people shouldn't go to work when they are sick. It's like I couldn't even think straight and simply treat my symptoms. I eventually took some Gravol and was happy the nausea passed. The phlegm, it never goes away for too long, like the "Enegizer Bunny" it keeps going and going.

The musical therapist referred me to someone in the Palliative Care Program who contacted us and said I could get free tube feeding supplies on their program. That's great! Except, I am having a hard time admitting I'm a palliative patient. It almost feels like I'm giving up, which I know sounds crazy. I will likely enroll in their program and "flunk out" when I'm done with this mess.

I wish my energy would return because it's hard to feel good about yourself when you sleep all day. Which is totally ironic considering as a teenager I would have loved to sleep all day. I force myself to get out when I can because I know fresh air and a change of scenery keeps me from getting "the blues". I often pray to God for strength and guidance and to get me through this.

Thanks for listening and take care.

Feels like it's been awhile since I sat at the computer. I'd love to tell you I've been busy and out of the house, but honestly I've been so very tired. Every morning I set up my "breakfast" tube feed and watch The View. By the time I'm done cleaning up, I need to lie down. Maybe it's those women on The View that make me tired, they sure can talk..and argue. I try to spend some time with Justin before my next feeding and by the afternoon I need another nap! On one hand it's frustrating to keep taking time outs, but on the other, at least I can get some rest. As I nurse I always said, if a patient is sleeping at least we know they aren't having pain at that time. I kind of like my naps, probably because I've mastered how to get my pillows in the exact strategic position for a very comfortable rest.

Mom and Dad left Wed after taking Justin to Preschool and dropping me off at my friend Joan's. I thank them again for all their help. I had a great visit with Joan as she always lifts me up spiritually. Cheryl picked up Justin and I and we went to her house for supper. I was surprised how tired I was. I could barely keep my head up and eyes open. James came for supper and I was way too tired to eat. As three adults and three kids had supper, I slept on the couch. You know I'm wiped if I can sleep through all those Brule's talking and laughing. I intended to go shopping with James, but had zero energy. It's like my mind said to my body "You mean you can't even go shopping!! That's our favorite thing to do!!" James took Justin with him to badminton practice and Cheryl drove me home when she went to Balgonie to curl. I'm not comfortable driving my car and I find it very difficult being dependent on others for a ride. I always found driving relaxing and often took Justin for drives to "look for cows". Yet another thing I have to give up...for now.

I haven't had time to answer emails but sure like hearing from all of you. I check the computer at least twice a day for any mail I may have received. The power of words can really bring you out of your "down time". I still feel good about "where I am", I just don't have the spunk and spark I used too. Fatigue has made me feel lazy and want to stay close to home. I have to remind myself that rest is a good thing and these side effects of chemo won't last forever.

The other night Justin and I were watching a movie in our bedroom. He hugged me tight and said "I miss mommy". For a moment I had this surge of anger towards cancer for making him feel this way. Such a huge reason to fight this terrible disease and get on with our lives.

Thank You to the Greenall High School Wellness Committee for the beautiful flowers they sent me. They continue to give us strength through their support and showing they care.

I just heard from my nurse Bev. There is a Norwalk Virus outbreak on the oncology ward and my chemo has to be delayed a week...or longer. I now see Dr. Salim Mar 26 and book chemo from there. I'm almost disappointed because the sooner I'm done, the sooner I'm done! But I don't wish to catch the Norwalk virus, especially now. If really stuck, I should tell them to send me to Saskatoon to my previous oncologist, Dr. El Gayed. I miss him and really felt extra cared for by him. I asked Bev to see if my CT scan results are back and if they are if someone could call me. She said when the results are in someone will call.

Talk to you on the weekend!

Feeling pretty good today. Mom and Dad are still here so I literally don't have to lift a finger and can rest. I needed lots of rest yesterday as I had a CT scan at 8:15am and that was just too early for me. Had to get up at 5:00 am to have a special drink for the test and just when I got comfy, my alarm rang to get ready. I reminded myself I used to get up at 5:30 when I was working and always enjoyed the peace and quiet at that time of day. I would have rather been drinking coffee than one litre of water (it's really hard to drink that much in 30 minutes!)

That morning I was also struck with a terrible pain to my right shoulder blade. Anytime I would breathe in deeply or cough, it felt like a knife. You can imagine the anxiety that comes along with that kind of pain and can't help but wonder what is going on inside to cause it. You want to believe it's something minor, but after thinking I had pneumonia and being told it was lung metasteses I find myself preparing for anything. I had convinced myself it was a pulled muscle and had James massaging it until his hand was cramping. I couldn't reach it and told him, it's like an itch I can't scratch. It only felt better when he would massage it. In the meantime, I dreaded coughing. It went like this "Cough...ow...cough..OW!!" Mom wanted me to go to the hospital, but I of course wanted to "give it a day". I had a pretty good sleep and by this afternoon, the pain is gone. I resumed my stretches that my physio gave me as my right shoulder had some tendonitis after surgery.

It's too bad I felt so lousy on a beautiful day. I had alot of fun watching Justin splashing in the water with the neighbor boys Conner and Riley. I wished so badly I could jump in the water with them and splash around. I got to laugh and smile at the fun they were having and the fun I had as a kid doing the same thing. Except I had the big ditch in front of Ernie Muggli's and plastic bags on my feet. Justin was soaked when he came in.

Time for another tube feed. I'll see if there's anything mom's made that will make me want to eat. It's frustrating when food smells so good, but when I start eating, I want to throw up. I keep trying to eat whatever is made and hope this lack of appetite will pass.

Take care and God Bless!

After my turmoil on Thursday, I was feeling much better with some rest on Friday. Thankfully, Grandma Brule (James'mom) was here to help out. After my last post I had some emails reminding me that I'm spunkier than I was feeling that day. I thank everyone for their encouragement, it helps me focus on what's important, staying positive and beating cancer. I don't know where my "spark" went, I assume it's from the doom and gloom chemo tends to bring out in us. Life is really what you make it, and right now, life needs me to rest and re-charge my batteries. It's like I'm in "time-out" for a few months, and although it's tough, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's the nice weather and the promise of spring, but I'm started to get excited for the future.

Saturday was a busy day. Grandma Brule took Justin for the day and I rested up for a night out. James' High School (Greenall) in Balgonie hosted a "Steak Night" fundraiser for us at Tony Roma's in Regina. There were about 84 people who came out and it was a thrilling time for us. It was mostly for teachers and staff in the school division, but with extra tickets available family and some neighbors from Balgonie were also able to attend. They had a silent auction with beautiful gifts donated from anyone who had items to give. I really enjoyed catching up with Broadview friends, meeting new people from James' work, and family. What an incredible feeling to know peolple have come together to support your family. It was like I could feed off the energy in the room, it kept me going, letting me simply have a great time with some fun, caring people. It reminded me that I really like to socialize and "party". I'm told the food was good (I didn't eat) and everyone seemed to have a good time. I sipped my 7-Up all nite cruising from table to table. At one point I grabbed a glass of wine and took a big sniff...Ahh wait until summer.

I want to thank those who couldn't make it, but sent a note or a donation. I am continually amazed and inspired by the generosity of others. I met James' co-worker Carolyn who organized the event and feel privileged to know this spectacular woman with a heart of gold. It was alot of work for her and of course other staff members helped out. Greenall has been so understanding during this time, and for being new members of their family, we cannot thank them enough.

If you know James, we were of course the second last couple to leave. I was physically exhausted and had a huge coughing fit in the car that involved our "puke pail" and some regurgitation. I laugh when I think about the days I left a party and threw up for different reasons. I did feel better after and had a fairly good night's sleep.

Justin spent the evening with his cousins Kirsten and Dylan (and some babysitters). He is such a little trouper to go with the flow and not cause us too much trouble. I haven't put him to bed in a long time, so it was a treat for me to hold him tight as he fell asleep.

I'm looking forward to this week as it's my second week off from chemo and I usually feel pretty good. My parents are here until Tuesday so I can continue to re-charge.

Thanks for your love and prayers, Roxanne.

Tough Day

Thursday started out as usual, same aches and fatigue. Thankfully, James was home from work as I had a visit from a Musical Therapist in the afternoon. I was referred to her by my Social Worker and had a good visit with her. However, it was one little comment she inadvertently said that made the day "tough" for me mentally. I don't hold it against her because I think she was trying to be open and honest with me, she just casually said "So I gather from the information in your chart that there is no cure for you" KABOOM! After the smoke cleared from the bomb she dropped, I tried to gather my thoughts and address her comment. I explained that I know I'm in serious trouble and honestly, "cure" is almost too strong a word for what I'm striving for. I'm really aiming for remission because I think cancer is a fight I will keep battling and whether it returns within the year or in fifty years, I don't know. Nobody knows. I don't know why I took it so hard, but I did. I wanted to read my chart and go through her notes to see what everyone is saying about me. But, all I can do is wait for the next test results and go from there. It doesn't matter what my prognosis is on paper, from a month ago. I have to deal with my most recent results and pray they are positive.

But it was almost like a seed of doubt had been planted in my mind and I couldn't let it go. I kept back-tracking in my mind to what Dr. Salim told me, "I'm optomistic I can shrink it, but I can't guarantee it won't come back." I was happy with that prognosis. I thought about others I know who've had lung cancer and are now in remission. I prayed for stength and for God to ease my mind, but it was still there. I'll admit I'm a bit of a control freak, but when you can't control your thoughts it's frustrating. I wasn't wallowing in tears, I was just...troubled. It was a lot of work to get past this "rut" and I felt more exhausted than ever. I managed to get some sleep (with medication) and I am feeling more postive today. This hasn't been the only time I have confronted the inevitability of death and I think I developed some coping mechanisms that will help me next time.

I have a CT scan Monday morning and review the results with Dr. Salim on the 19th. That will be the next step in evaluating my progress. I'm happy with my breathing at rest, but still have my cough. My appetite is still poor, almost non-existent, after yesterday I promised myself to tube feed three times a day. I have to keep up my nutrition.

I'm really tired so I'll sign off for now. Thank you to everyone for your emails and of course, your prayers.

Roxanne

Had a quiet day today. Mom and dad went home yesterday, so it was Justin and I this morning until my brother Ray stopped by. I managed to make Justin breakfast and dinner which may not seem like a "big deal", but to me it was nice to take care of someone else. Ray took Justin to preschool and bought him a toy hockey player after (Darryl Sittler - more for me than him). Ray swears Justin picked it out himself because he was wearing blue. My "Habs" fan husband did not think it was a good idea. Thanks to Ray for helping out today.

Did not sleep well last night, still having upset stomach with cramps. Didn't puke!! Not hungry today so tube fed 3 times, they didn't bother me as much today. I hung my "food" on a nail and answered e mails in the meantime. It's called "multi-tasking". Thanks for your e mails, I did answer most of them and love the pictures being sent. I will try to get some pictures on this blog sometime soon.

My jaw still stiffens but not as much. I have exercises to keep it "seizing up" from my Speech Pathologist in Saskatoon. Some of you may know her, Amy Gantefoer. She has been incredibly supportive and a constant source of honesty and wisdom. Mouth cancer is something Amy deals with regularly so her advice and guidance keeps me grounded and aware of what to expect. She works with my ENT (Ear Nose & Throat Dr.) Dr. Spafford and I still touch base with them weekly. I'm very lucky to have both of them helping me.

James took Justin to the school tonite so I can rest some more. I need to find a good Yoga DVD to get back into shape. After "lounging" for 1 month I'm starting to feel like some toning and exercise would be a good idea.

I'll leave you with a notion I mentioned in an e mail today. I never thought cancer would ever happen to me, part of that invincibility as a teenager. I can no longer as "Why" or "How come", because there is no answer and I would drive myself crazy looking for one. I just take each new hurdle as it comes and it really feels good to get a little further along. Like feeling lousy after chemo, and then slowly feeling better. It's a little step in the road, but what a great feeling to have even a little step behind me.

Take care, Roxanne.

Feeling better!

After a crappy weekend, I'm finally feeling better. My symptoms are manageable, but there are so many little things that add up to feeling plain lousy. Not alot of nausea, but lots of wretching and gagging (sorry to get graphic), I should have abs of steel by the end of this. I really don't like throwing up, so at the first sign of any trouble, I'm taking anti-nausea meds and sipping 7-Up or Ginger Ale. I'm so stubborn I can make puke stop in it's tracks! Only threw up a little bit last 2 nights, not enough to freak out about. I have a trick where I take off my glasses when sick so I don't see what's coming. Let's face it, it's the sights and smells that trigger more action (at work I would look away and breathe through my mouth). Poor James, I hand "the pail" to him and say "Rinse it out please". That was our deal when Justin would get sick, because James can't smell very good, he was the clean up crew. No need to break routine now...right?!

My appetite is okay, but it could be mom's cooking and Cheryl's apple crisp helping it. My tube feeds seem to bother me more now where they "back up" on me causing heartburn and a sore tongue. I keep going because I would starve without it. I have to run it really slow, which sometimes means 2 hours tied to the wall. Oh well, nothing else to do.

I'm getting "cabin fever" and don't like staying at home. I want to get out, but not willing to come across a cold or get too tired in my travels. I've always been aware of germs, but I think about Dr. Salim who said "You've got to live your life too". Thanks to Sheila for reminding me what a "biggie" this sacrifice is for the Lenten season, have to keep some sort of perspective. I had blood work done monday, so I'll hear today how my "counts" are. I'm thankful for my computer as a link to the outside world. I manage to answer e mails and write this blog to keep my sanity. If at any point I sound "insane" please call me on it, I don't want to be the next Howard Hughes.

Thanks for your support and comments, the memories and smiles you send do cheer me up and keep me going strong.

Love and Prayers,

Roxanne

Wow! I'm tired!

I spent most of Sat asleep. Funny how you crave sleep during the night, but it comes most easily during the day. Justin came home and it was so good to have his excitement and energy back in the house, but keeping my eyes open seemed impossible. I don't bother fighting sleep, I obviously need it. My day turned tough around 5:30pm with an intense wave of nausea and cold sweats. I called for James, but even though he couldn't do anything for me, I didn't want to be alone. I took my Zofran (anti-nausea) right away and the spell passed in about 20 minutes. I was then hit with painful stomach cramps, but they only lasted until 10:00pm.

I wish my appetite was better, but food is not interesting to me at all. All I want to eat is sandwiches, but I can't with only 2 bottom teeth (way at the back). I REALLY miss the Bakery in Broadview!! I wasn't given dexamethasone to take home after this round and only enough Zofran until Sun morning. I phoned the Cancer Clinic and asked why not, they said if I really need it I can have it. If I run into trouble on the weekend, just phone. Dexamethasone made me hungry and want to eat last time, I'm too tired right now to even think about food. I run tube feeds 3 times a day, this way I can eat and sleep at the same time (that sounds lazy doesn't it).

My mouth is the main concern. Tongue is very dry, like sandpaper, and my jaw feels like it is too heavy to move. There is also a horrible taste in my mouth, like hospital food has left it's imprint and long lasting flavor (yuck!). Of course, thick phlegm/saliva is always a pain, but that is something I'll likely have forever, just not as much as now. I had a friend we nick-named "Phlegmy" years ago, I think the name suits me more now. I keep sipping on water, tea, and other fluids (sadly no alcohol which would probably cure other ailments). I use a gel called "Oral Balance" for my dry tongue and Tylenol for my jaw. I remind myself to treat the symptoms and get through this. I'm really halfway done as I'm scheduled for 4 rounds. That could change and result in more chemo or radiation at the end, but we'll tackle that when it comes.

Oddly enough, my breathing is the least of my concerns. I still run out of air on movement, but I'm really comfortable at rest. I slept pretty good last night (up a few times) and was smiling at how air was going in and out. It felt effortless, like it used to. I take small victories where I can get them.

Thanks again for your interest. You all know I love to talk, especially about myself (joking). I think it's because of my "sign" Aries - we love being the center of attention. I guess cancer thought I needed to re-connect with old friends (not everything about cancer has to be negative). I really enjoy hearing from you. If anyone wants to e mail me directly with pictures of your kids or whatever, I'm at james.roxy@sasktel.net. Even if you want to know something I'm not writing about, like how the weather is terrible lately, drop me a line and I promise to answer. I love this technology and hope sharing my "journey" with you gives peace of mind that everything is going to be okay.

Love and Prayers,
Roxanne

Second Round...done!!

Whoo Hoo!! So good to have another batch of poison done. Got home today around 11:00am. Not too bad this time, having a bit of a sore, very dry mouth, and my jaw stiffens when tired. I'm afraid insomnia has taken over again, but I manage to nap throughout the day. I was told by my doctor to keep taking my sleeping pill until chemo is done, I need the rest. Justin still in Muenster with Grandma & Grandpa and although I'm really tired I miss him like crazy. They should be back tomorrow or Sunday. The hospital food was terrible, I hardly ate a thing this time, but ran my tube feeds. My appetite is not nearly as strong as it was the first time. I do crave anything sweet, but it's stuff that needs alot of work, like apple crisp and lemon pie. Hope Rosie (mom) is up for some baking this weekend. Thanks to Nicole, Ray, Reg, Cheryl, mom, dad, James, and Justin for their visits at the hospital.

I gotta tell you your comments are truly amazing and inspirational to me. All of you who "surprised " me, each gave such clear, great memories of growing up and how much fun really went on back then. At the time I knew how lucky I was to know all of you, but it's just so heart warming and touching to hear from you after all the years. Thank you so much!!! Especially for all the prayers and reminding me that I am a fighter and can win. Cancer isn't easy, it's a challenge and has some pretty tough moments. But when you get past those tough times with kind words from others, prayer, and positivity, I cannot describe the incredible feeling of warmth and surge of energy it gives me. I've told others that there is something inside me, in my stomach and in my heart, that feels like a little warrior waiting to burst out. I think she was always there, ready to fight, being stubborn, and not willing to give up. Cancer has woken her up and...let's just say she's angry...and has my teenage temper.

Well, that's how I'm feeling today, mostly tired. This blog is quite therapeutic and I thank you for listening to my ramblings.

Take care and God Bless! Roxanne

Feb 28, 2007

Good evening everyone.

I just got back from visitting Roxanne at the hospital. She is waiting for her second bag of chemo meds. Hopefully around 9:30 pm she will get them. She had a pretty good day. She has enjoyed her visitors today and did alot of talking. She said her jaw was starting to get sore and stiffen up, so she was doing her jaw exercises. No nausea yet, thank you. Hopefully she can make it through this round without nausea like the first. Dr. Salim was in to check in on her. He is happy with the way things are going but will be doing another CT scan in March. Not to worry, it is a follow up to make sure all is going as should.

Not much else to say. I wanted to leave a short message to say things are going good so far.
Keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

PS. - I have been passing all comments on to Roxanne in the hospital. She loves the encouragement.

Cheryl

Tues, Feb 27, 2007

Hello everyone.

You now have Cheryl doing the post since Roxanne is in the hospital for the second round of chemo. So it probably won't be as lively as the last few. Roxanne went into the hospital around 2:30 ish. They gave her the pre meds and also started her chemo meds. I just got off the phone with her and she was already done about 1/2 a bag of chemo meds. So far so good. She is still feeling good. She is in the Pasqua Hospital and looking at going home Thurs or Friday. Not sure as they will monitor and see how things are going. Roxanne's mom and dad are here looking after Justin and helping James at home.

Not much else to tell. I will talk with Roxanne tomorrow and keep you updated. We are praying that everything goes well this round. Roxanne is really enjoying the comments and responses that she is getting. I will relay them to her daily.
Cheryl

Monday Feb 26, 2007

James came with me to see Dr. Salim. He was very pleased to hear I had little side effects other than hair loss. He is most concerned with the side effect of thick mucous as my mouth is already compromised from radiation. I told him I have lots of tricks up my sleeve to treat phlegm as radiation created thick mucous and I somehow managed (barely). I'm waiting to hear when to go to the hospital (Pasqua) tomorrow, but the Cancer Clinic hasn't called yet. I'm assuming since it's almost 7:00 pm that I'll hear from them tomorrow. I will receive the same treatment as the first round. For those of you who want to know it's: Taxol (once), Cisplatin (once), and Ifosfamide (3 times). They give me "pre-meds" 12 hours before they run chemo to prevent side effects like nausea. I had him check my lymph node and he wasn't concerned (after re-reading last month's CT scan report). He commented that we hope to see a good result from the CT scan on March 12th. I made it very clear to him that I hope to enjoy my summer and want to be golfing and camping. He just smiled and said "Okay". I'm really looking forward to warmer weather as I always feel cold now. I was disappointed to see I lost 4 more pounds (how ironic) and will try to gain some back. Then him and James bonded over their love of math. Dr. Salim says he does math "for fun" because you actually philosophize to prove your answer. I felt like a third wheel as these 2 went on about math because I really can't relate...at all. I saw a woman from Broadview at the Clinic (Marie Richter) and was very happy to see she was doing so well.

I'm very tired today and spent the afternoon resting. Mom and dad took Justin to preschool and James had today off from school so he worked at home. The muscles in my neck and shoulders are in knots and I keep having to beg James to massage it. I'm just taking Tylenol for pain. Pretty boring day, I'll try to send updates from the hospital through Cheryl.

Take care and God Bless!

Sunday Feb 25, 2007

Trina has just left and I already miss her. What a weekend! I'm completely exhausted, but it was totally worth it. I wish I had a little more energy and could join her for a cocktail, but I can wait until summer. The time flew and we spent most of it in the house talking and eating. We were at my brother Reg's house last night and my brother Ray was there also. More great food and company and up late visiting, remembering, and laughing (only until 11:00pm).

I had a bad coughing fit last night that didn't settle until 1:00 am. I was way too tired to get up and do something about it (a hot drink). My body just couldn't move. My chest was so sore from coughing it ached miserably. I covered all my bases with any meds I could take that I had on hand: sleeping pill for rest, ranitidine for stomach, and Tylenol for pain. I just had to hope and wait that one of them would help me stop coughing and get to sleep. You know us nurses, no matter how bad we feel, we "doctor" ourselves and wait it out. I did eventually fall asleep for the night.

Trina and I spent the entire day talking (of course). It's really amazing how our talks are hilarious, inspiring, and upbeat, but also serious, heartbreaking, and poignant. It's like all the missed years have melted away and we're those 2 teenagers cruising around Humboldt without any worries or obligations. We just didn't have the loud music, big yellow car, and boys to wave at and giggle about (although James and Justin were close by). Our discussions today centered more around being a mom, family, friends, and cancer. Trina said one purpose of her trip was to give me hope as her dad is just coming free from the grips of lung cancer. I really love to hear stories of other cancer survivors and do use their successes to see myself winning this fight.

I plan to go to bed early tonight as I have an appointment with Dr. Salim (oncologist) in the morning. I have a swollen lymph node under left jaw that usually acts up when I'm exhausted that I would like him to check. I have other aches and pains tonight, but I'm honestly too tired to go into it and hope a good night's sleep will remedy most of them.

My parents arrived tonight fresh from their Las Vegas trip and ready to pitch in around the house. It's so awesome that they can be here to take care of Justin, and cook, and clean. I'm sure you've all figured out that my dad isn't part of the cooking and cleaning crew. But he can entertain Justin, even though Grandma is the one who plays hockey with him. They also enjoyed a good visit with Trina and took her to the airport tonight. I really look forward to seeing Trina and her whole family this summer in Calgary (and you guys too Auntie Anne). My brother Ron and his family live in Airdrie so we have an excuse to go the Calgary way now.

I do have a good picture of Trina and I (with the wig) that I'll have Cheryl help me post on here (I'm clueless without her). There is also a few cute pictures with Justin wearing my wig. He likes to have long hair "Like Uncle Ray". I'll post again tomorrow with an update from my doctor. Take care everyone.

Friday Feb 23, 2007

Up way too early this morning. James had to be at the dentist for 8:45 am and I needed bloodwork done, so Justin and I stayed with Cheryl and the kids until he was done. I have to admit it was nice to throw on my wig and walk out the door. Justin woke me up and frowned at my bald head. He tried to put my wig on for me and when I put it on right he yelled "You're back!" and hugged me. Too funny.

I had one of those rare moments today while shopping with James and Justin. I was walking along pretty good, having no pain, and breathing comfortably. I actually felt normal again and forgot about having cancer, chemotherapy, and more reconstructive surgery. Then reality hits and you remember what life has become and how it will never be the same. It was kinda funny to remind myself that "Oh yeah, that's right, I'm not as healthy as I used to be, slow down." It's a gift to escape my reality, even for awhile because I really feel good. It's like enjoying a great piece of cheesecake, the best ever, and then it's all gone.

When we got home I was torn between desperately needing a nap and needing to have dinner. Easy problem to solve. Just hook my feeding tube up to a bag of "food" and go to bed. Talk about awesome, I can eat while I sleep. I am really so, so thankful for my feeding tube. I know I would be in serious trouble nutritionally without it.

Reg's (my brother) wife Nadine told me a cute story about their daughter Avah. Avah was 15 minutes late after school and Nadine was getting upset with her; until she found out what she was doing. Avah took it upon herself to fill out a form at school to have the whole school pray for me at their next assembly. I'm so proud of Avah for being the caring and loving neice I've always known she was. Thank you Avah!!

I really enjoyed the comments you've sent. It was really great to hear from my cousins and I thank you all for your prayers. Hi Shawn! Thanks for the info. I wish I could tell everyone how to "log on" to make a comment, but I really don't know how it works (I told you I'm not computer savvy). This technology is amazing and I'm so thankful to Cheryl for allowing me to reach all of my family and friends across the country and in The States.

Take care everyone! I'll leave you with a quote from me: "Be thankful for the health you still have, despite the sickness that may plague you."

Thursday Feb 22, 2007

I did it! Went and shaved my head. I was very tired of my long hair everywhere!! I was surprised to feel so much better when it was gone. I look so tough, like a marine nobody wants to mess with. When I wear a bandana, I feel like a biker chick and take on this attitude - "Take a hike cancer!!". Then I put on my wig or a cute hat and feel more like myself. I told my hairdresser I always wanted to shave my head and was pleased to see that being a C section baby gave a nice shape to my scalp. Justin was there as my hair was shaved and thought it was neat. When we got home he changed his mind and handed me my wig saying "I don't like your hair". I make a point of covering up around him now. I still have some hair and feel like a fuzzy peach, but you can see patches of smooth scalp where the hair is completely gone. I'm glad I bought my wig when I still had hair because it is the exact same color as my natural hair. I tried some blond and even red wigs, but when I found "the one" I felt like my old self. Shirley (hairdresser) had to cut some bangs on my wig because I need them. It really looks and feels good.

My nurse at the Cancer Clinic finally phoned me back today (2 days after I left a message). Of course, my cold symptoms have passed and I'm not running a temp so there was no need for action. I really don't like the phone-in system at the clinic. You phone an operator who writes down your message and physically brings it to whoever you are calling. In Saskatoon I had a direct line to my nurse (who usually answered) and her voice mail, no middle man. I don't think it's fair to make me (or anyone else) wait by the phone to be called back at their convenience. I do plan on telling my nurse and social worker on Monday that I think their phone system is archaic. I waited on hold one day 7 minutes (I timed it) just to speak with the operator. I really don't like to complain and I'm sure they have excuses or other options for me, but I'm still going to speak up.

I'm really enjoying this week. I love having James home as it's their school break. My energy is pretty good and I'm getting out because it's back to seclusion next week at the hospital for more chemo. My appetite isn't as strong as last week, but I'm still eating 2 or 3 meals a day. I'm still subject to coughing fits and not sure if it's related to my lungs or the thick phlegm that causes me to almost choke. Phlegm was my biggest challenge with radiation and hate that it has returned. I rinse with Club Soda or drink my hot water with honey and lemon for some relief.

I'm very excited that my cousin and best friend from childhood is coming for a visit this weekend. Trina (Dauk) Oullette is flying out from Calgary Sat morning and going back Sun night. We've talked on the phone the last 2 nights for hours, I almost lost my voice. Those of you who know Trina understand why I'm so excited. She's an amazing woman who is hilarious and fun and hasn't changed a bit from when we were young. They were our neighbors in Muenster and their house was my escape from brothers and teasing and sports (she has 3 sisters). We have such great memories from growing up and plan to spend the weekend sitting on the couch catching up and reminiscing. There's going to be lots of tears of laughter and probably some sad ones. We look forward to our Korte Reunion this summer, but this weekend is for us.

Thanks again for the love, prayers, and support. It really helps.

Tuesday Feb 20, 2007

Well, I left a message with my nurse at the Cancer Clinic to phone me, but she didn't return my call today. I expect to hear from her tomorrow.

I still am coughing abit, and not sure if it's a cold or what. I have this phlegm plug at the back of my throat that makes me want to cough it up and then I'm okay for a couple of hours. I struggled with this during radiation also. My remedy is hot water with honey and lemon. If I cough alot during the night, James gets up and makes it for me (I'm pretty groggy because of my sleeping pill). James has been so awesome and is turning into quite a nurse under my supervision. He will even set up my tube feed for me if I'm too tired. I am very happy to be sleeping so much better at night. Even when I wake up coughing (4 or 5 times) I can go right back to sleep. My energy is low in the mornings and better by the afternoon. I still can't walk very fast and feel best when at rest.

My hair is coming out in handfuls. My hands looked like a gorilla today in the shower. I see Shirley Edwards on Thursday for a possible haircut to even things out. I have alot of hair and it is everywhere, in my food, on the pillow, even on the keyboard as I'm typing now. I'll be like Charlie Brown before you know it, I just gotta find that funky sweater he has.

Time for a hot drink and bedtime soon. I used to dread bedtime, as the nights were long and my mind wouldn't turn off. I was very frustrated to the point of tears. It's such a relief to be able to relax enough to fall into a deep sleep. Sweet dreams everyone!

Mon Feb 19, 2007

Last night was alot of fun! Good food and great company. I can't remember the last time I ate so much. The spinach dip with bread was awesome! We played a card game called "Sequence" and James and I won all 3 games! It was like we couldn't lose if we tried. Nothing like winning at anything to make a person feel better. I could stand a winning streak for a change, I think I'm due! We look forward to more fun times with Brian and Bev and their girls (If they're not too mad that we kicked their butts!).

My good friend Leanne Holloway and her son Brennan stopped by for a quick visit and to show us their new puppy Ty, I think he's a Yorkshire Terrier. It was so cute to see Justin squealing and laughing when playing with Ty. Our visit was short but we were thankful for their company.

I'm really tired today as I was coughing alot last night. I still managed some sleep, but Justin woke up at 7:30 sneezing with a runny nose. He obviously has a cold and I was hoping I could avoid it, but I am running a low grade temperature. I will call my nurse tomorrow and see what to do. I would like to nip this cold in the bud if I could.

Justin and I were low key today. My brother Ray was going to visit, but he is sick with a cold so I told him to stay home and get better. Justin managed to play well on his own and I sipped tea and sampled Auntie Cecile's baking throughout the day. My hair is really starting to come out and I really don't mind because it's getting too long and shaggy. I also have some cute hats and my wig to wear. It will be a nice break from washing, drying and styling my hair. Besides, Britney Spears has made bald heads fashionable. Thank goodness for crazy weirdos like her to make someone like me look trendy.

Will talk to you all tomorrow!

Happy Family Day Weekend!

Well, we have been busy around here! I'm getting the feeling I need to post more because alot happens in a few days.

On Friday Grandpa Brule was here to entertain Justin all day, while I tried to relax. For some reason I just couldn't get comfy for a nap or even want to lay down. I did not sleep well the night before and knew my body needed the rest. It was frustrating for me, and Grandpa too who kept saying "Go rest!" and me who kept replying "I just can't." I phoned the Cancer Clinic for my lab results that day and my nurse Bev said my "counts were good" and that I really didn't need to wear a mask in public anymore. I mentioned that I couldn't rest during the day and poor sleep last night, she had Dr. Salim fax a prescription for a sleeping pill to my pharmacy "just in case I needed it". Now, I've never taken sleeping pills and wasn't too keen to start, but sometimes sleep is just more important. I tried it last night and was happy to get some rest. Friday night we ordered Chinese food because I had a craving!! I ate it so fast I almost choked. It's soooo good to be able to taste food again, even though my taste is a bit subdued. I was then surprised by a special flower delivery from my fellow RN's at the Lodge in Broadview!! A big Thank You to Kathy, Debbie, Phoebe, and Maria. What a great end to my day... Chinese Food and flowers.

On Saturday, I felt like nesting. That's right, we went through 4 boxes of knick knacks and pictures that never got accomplished after our move. I had alot of really nice stuff packed away. It was almost like Christmas, discovering old favorites. James was busy hanging pictures and shelves. I sat in the chair, looking at my decor getting up, arranging things, sitting down, staring at my "work", then getting up and re-arranging some more. I do not have "the gift" for home decor like some people, but I had fun anyway. I also organized old pictures in an album and set the frames aside for a garage sale. I don't want to know what James was doing in the basement, because he was re-arranging and threatening to have a garage sale sooner than later. He could spend hours in one room re-organizing and "tossing stuff". I should mention James and his dad spent 2 hours in the basement on Friday and tore down one wall and put up some drywall. They can't be trusted on their own.

I still need to walk very slowly or I run out of air. At least I don't get thrown into coughing fits like I was before chemo. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to walk slow? I keep picturing myself walking in the summertime with air moving through my lungs like it used to. The trick to this whole ordeal is that I feel really good (at rest), it's the mental part of wanting to do more and knowing you can't. Talk about a huge insight into what my former patients were going through. I really think that's a big hurdle for me, the mental and emotional aspects of cancer. I can see and feel myself getting better slowly, but I want to be done chemo now, and not worrying about germs now, and just be as close to normal as I can be now. Imagine that, I'm impatient!! I always told James I used up all my patience at work, it's gone when I get home. Being patient now is taking alot of journalling, visiting with friends, "re-assuring self talk" (now I sound like a psychiatrist!), and rest. It seems silly to me but somehow I'm getting through.

That brings me to today, Sunday. Are you still with me? I tend to ramble on. James went to church and then we went to Regina after. Of course, while we were away we missed a visit from Auntie Eva and her family (James' dad's sister). She called us on our cell wondering where we were. I'm sorry we missed out on a visit, but at least I got to talk with her on the phone. I ran into my nurse Bev while shopping. She was happy to see me out and re-assured me again that my bloodwork was good. I really enjoyed shopping today which I'm sure was partly because of the beautiful weather. My crazy mind still wonders when I walk past someone in a store if they are sick and I hope they don't sneeze on me. It doesn't help knowing there is a "bug" going around that I don't want right before chemo. I just remind myself that I had a cold right before my lung cancer was diagnosed and it wasn't that bad. It just means delaying chemo, which, "the impatient Roxanne" doesn't want. I noticed more hair on my hands while shampooing today so I thought I better buy some hats and something to cover my head. I also bought some sunglasses, so I felt like a spy or celebrity at the checkout who needed to hide her fame. Justin got a new Spiderman toque and gloves, he hasn't taken the gloves off yet. He looks like a little crazy man wearing gloves in the house, but he's happy. James' cousin John Ripley and his wife Shelly stopped by with their kids and treats. It was really good to see them. Now all you Brule's out there don't hate me, but Auntie Cecile (James' dad's sister) sent a box of butterhorns right out of the oven. I don't think they were out of our driveway before I had shovelled one in my mouth. By the way, Justin's gloves came off for a butterhorn, then back on. There was more baking and cookies, but I was overcome by the butterhorns...so delicious! It's all good! We are on our way to the neighbor's house tonite. Brian and Bev Lane invited us over for supper and we are looking forward to a great visit and meal. They have 2 teenage daughters who Justin really likes. We are very lucky to have such amazing, warm people in our "new town" close by. I'll let you know tomorrow how the evening went.

Thanks again for all your love, prayers, and support. Talk to you tomorrow.

Hanging in there!

Hi everyone! Thank you to my "editor" Cheryl for keeping everyone in the know! I cannot thank her enough for helping me with this blog and with so much more, including James and especially Justin. I am not the brightest when it comes to computers, so I had Cheryl make it "idiot proof" for me to log on with my own computer. I am very lucky to have her!

Well, it was a good few days! Justin spent Tuesday with Auntie Nadine and cousin Mabel at the Science Centre and at their house. He loved the hockey exhibit, and I loved the peace and quiet. He's very lucky to have such awesome relatives close by. I like to keep Justin entertained by someone as I don't think it's fair for him to be "housebound" with me. He suffered enough at home with me last spring, before I was diagnosed and it's nice for him to get out.

I'm still a little concerned about germs and not quite ready to send him to the sitter where colds seem find him easily. I manage to get out for grocery shopping and watched Cheryl's kids swimming, but I am always wearing my mask in public. I'm getting used to it and people generally don't seem too alarmed by it.

My energy is pretty good, I like to rest in the afternoons as I am having a little trouble sleeping at night (always between 3:00am - 5:00 am). It can be frustrating, but I manage to get sleep somehow. My appetite is crazy!! I could eat all day if I had more teeth! I always feel hungry, which is great considering I had absolutely no appetite before chemo. I still feel too thin (I can't believe I am saying that!) and would like to put on 10 more pounds. I tube feed 2 times a day only as a means to gain weight, I'd much rather eat, eat, eat, but it's too tiring and time consuming.

Today was a busy day, Grandpa Brule is here, James was home from school, and Cheryl's kids came in the afternoon when Cheryl got called suddenly to sub teach in Balgonie. It's nice to return a favor, but the kids basically entertained themselves and Grandpa and James "supervised". I was thrilled to have a visit from my good friend Kathy Presniak with whom I worked with in Broadview. I miss work very much and love to catch up with my co-workers.

I see Dr. Salim again on Feb 26th and booked for 3 days of chemo at the Pasqua Feb 27 - Mar 1st. I pray the next round is as successful as the first. I also am booked for another CT scan on March 12th to evaluate my progress. I am very pleased and confident with Dr. Salim's care. James took me for my blood work today as it needs to be done 2 times a week.

I should warn you that no news is good news and if I don't write anything , it's because nothing is different. Trust me, if I feel lousy, I'll love to complain about it. (Which reminds me, I had a terrible back spasm last night that was awful!! Not bothering me today though, Tylenol is working). I journal my diet, medications , and thoughts everyday (and of course pray). I've said I'm not sure if it's the medication or my state of mind, but I really haven't been angry since this last diagnosis. I just take what life is handing me, get past it, and move on. It's really all I can do.

That's it for now, I'll post again on the weekend. Thanks again for all your love, prayers, and support. Call or stop in anytime!! I love to hear from you!

Good Day

Hello everyone. Things seem to be ok. Roxanne and Justin spent the day with us. We had lots of fun. Lots of things happening so Roxanne was getting tired. She is still feeling good and still taking her nausea pills. No sickness. Thank you. She is starting to get an appetitie. She was going home to make a heart pizza for supper and very excited about that. She has not lost her hair yet but is expecting it to happen soon. I do not have a lot to say but I thought I would leave a happy note and a nice story.....

I have a little story to tell about a thougthful grade nine student that James teaches. In Sunday at this girls church they ask for congregational prayer requests. This young girl stood up in church and asked that everyone pray for her teachers wife who has cancer. What an amazing girl!!!! Prayer is awesome and we greatly appreciate it all. Thank you to this young girl for caring so much.
Good night we will keep posted......Cheryl

Hello from Roxanne!!

Well it's Monday afternoon and James and I are sitting at Cheryl's waiting for preschool to finish. Thought I'd let you know so far, so good. I am taking medication for nausea so I'm really drowsy. My stomach gets upset, but no major nausea. I am using my tube feed 2 or 3 times a day, but still have an appetite and want to eat. My mouth and jaw stiffens so eating is still tiring and time consuming. I actually just bought a McChicken to smell it, took 2 bites and passed it to James. I am frustrated with insomnia during the night, but hope it too will pass. Not taking any narcotics for pain, just Tylenol for sore mouth. Justin is coughing and sneezing, so I'm wearing a mask around him. We are all washing our hands like crazy and trying to lead a somewhat normal life. I'm still short of breath when walking, but my breathing at rest is so much easier. It can be frightening when you can't get air in and start coughing uncontrollably. I have a new perspective for people with other lung problems. Again, this is all an education for me to help my future patients. Thanks to the "beautiful Brule's" for the amazing walkie-talkie's. James is on an even shorter leash! HEE HEE! He can even take it to school and we can still reach him! Thank you all so much for the prayers and phone calls, I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Well it is the start of the new week. The weekend seemed to be pretty quiet. James has been cleaning lots.
I just got off the phone with him. Yes he stayed home today. No sickness yet but Roxanne is feeling really tired. Justin has preschool today so it was just easier. She has no taste buds but that is a symptom of chemo. She had that happen when she was doing radiation.
James says thanks to the walky talky group. They are working great. He took it to school last night and Roxanne could still radio him. He is not sure how they will work at golf season as she will be able to get him off the course. HAHAHA! Anyway not a whole lot to report but I just wanted to leave a little note. Will keep you posted.
Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. They are very important.
Cheryl

Chemo Day 3

Well it is day 3 of chemo. I just got back from visitting with Roxanne. She is looking good and feeling good. She is getting bored but will be going home tonight after her last treatment. She did not sleep well last night and is looking forward to the comfort of her own bed. She is not using oxygen anymore and her coughing is minimal. That is great because she was coughing alot before the chemo. I met her doctor (Saleem probably misspelled) and he is a very nice personable man. He was quite happy with how things are going. He told her that by early next week she may start the sickness spells but hopefully they are not that bad. Her nurse Dana came in and told her to be very aware of the flu/cold bugs. She will be very susceptible to catching it. They sent masks home for her to use and suggested to use antibacterial gels as well. Her brother Reg and our cousin Nicole came up to visit today. Thank you. She has enjoyed all the phone calls that she has recieved. She is going to try to leave a message tonight but it will depend on how she is feeling. We will keep you informed.

Cheryl

Roxanne is in the Pasqua Hospital. I went to see her last night and she was in good spirits.Some people know some of the following information but for the ones that don't here it is from the beginning of this second round. Roxanne was having very bad chest pains and coughing alot. She went in and asked for a chest xray and they found that she had cancer in her lungs. They did a CAT scan and a bone scan and found out Monday that is not anywhere else. Thank goodness. They got her into a bed Tues and started her Chemo yesterday. She will do 3 days of heavy chemo and then have 3 weeks off before the next 3 days. The chemo wasn't bothering her yet last night. The doctor told her that the chemo may not bother her so we are praying for that. They are hoping to send her home Friday maybe Saturday. Her immune system will be weak but she is very aware of that. Justin is at home with grandma brule today.
We will try to keep this updated so that everyone far and near can keep informed. We are so lucky to have so many people praying for them.
James and Roxanne will add more or less as they are able so right now you are stuck with me Cheryl, James's sister. We will keep you updated. Thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers.