Coughing, Phlegm, and Fatigue

That title pretty much sums up my weekend. On Thursday and Friday Grandma Brule (James' mom) was here and she brought treats from the Broadview Bakery. Unfortunately, the donuts don't last very long and I can only eat half a donut at a time (half a donut...how pathetic!!). I wish I could say I'm eating more, but I'm not. I keep tube feeding three times a day, but I really miss the social part of eating. I don't eat with everyone else, I sit in the recliner or in my bedroom. It doesn't bother me to watch people eating, it's just discouraging to try and eat and have to stop because of sore teeth or nausea or something else.

Friday night I had a horrible sleep. Which also means so did James. I coughed for a long time and couldn't stop until I almost throw up. This leads to my chest, shoulder, and neck muscles aching with knots. I keep begging James to massage my back to distract me from coughing and ease the muscle pain. I've also talked Justin into rubbing my shoulders. He's not very good but at least he tries to help.

Saturday was Glen's (James' brother) birthday party. I went and ate cake and watched the kids playing (and screaming). I could have watched those kids horse around for hours but of course, I got tired. It was the stangest feeling of deja vu as I slept in the bedroom and everyone else played games and laughed. I remembered being a kid and having to go to bed when "the adults" stayed up. It's funny how even a simple memory can make you smile and make you feel a little better.

Today I battled with phlegm and nausea. I know now why people shouldn't go to work when they are sick. It's like I couldn't even think straight and simply treat my symptoms. I eventually took some Gravol and was happy the nausea passed. The phlegm, it never goes away for too long, like the "Enegizer Bunny" it keeps going and going.

The musical therapist referred me to someone in the Palliative Care Program who contacted us and said I could get free tube feeding supplies on their program. That's great! Except, I am having a hard time admitting I'm a palliative patient. It almost feels like I'm giving up, which I know sounds crazy. I will likely enroll in their program and "flunk out" when I'm done with this mess.

I wish my energy would return because it's hard to feel good about yourself when you sleep all day. Which is totally ironic considering as a teenager I would have loved to sleep all day. I force myself to get out when I can because I know fresh air and a change of scenery keeps me from getting "the blues". I often pray to God for strength and guidance and to get me through this.

Thanks for listening and take care.