Tough Day

Thursday started out as usual, same aches and fatigue. Thankfully, James was home from work as I had a visit from a Musical Therapist in the afternoon. I was referred to her by my Social Worker and had a good visit with her. However, it was one little comment she inadvertently said that made the day "tough" for me mentally. I don't hold it against her because I think she was trying to be open and honest with me, she just casually said "So I gather from the information in your chart that there is no cure for you" KABOOM! After the smoke cleared from the bomb she dropped, I tried to gather my thoughts and address her comment. I explained that I know I'm in serious trouble and honestly, "cure" is almost too strong a word for what I'm striving for. I'm really aiming for remission because I think cancer is a fight I will keep battling and whether it returns within the year or in fifty years, I don't know. Nobody knows. I don't know why I took it so hard, but I did. I wanted to read my chart and go through her notes to see what everyone is saying about me. But, all I can do is wait for the next test results and go from there. It doesn't matter what my prognosis is on paper, from a month ago. I have to deal with my most recent results and pray they are positive.

But it was almost like a seed of doubt had been planted in my mind and I couldn't let it go. I kept back-tracking in my mind to what Dr. Salim told me, "I'm optomistic I can shrink it, but I can't guarantee it won't come back." I was happy with that prognosis. I thought about others I know who've had lung cancer and are now in remission. I prayed for stength and for God to ease my mind, but it was still there. I'll admit I'm a bit of a control freak, but when you can't control your thoughts it's frustrating. I wasn't wallowing in tears, I was just...troubled. It was a lot of work to get past this "rut" and I felt more exhausted than ever. I managed to get some sleep (with medication) and I am feeling more postive today. This hasn't been the only time I have confronted the inevitability of death and I think I developed some coping mechanisms that will help me next time.

I have a CT scan Monday morning and review the results with Dr. Salim on the 19th. That will be the next step in evaluating my progress. I'm happy with my breathing at rest, but still have my cough. My appetite is still poor, almost non-existent, after yesterday I promised myself to tube feed three times a day. I have to keep up my nutrition.

I'm really tired so I'll sign off for now. Thank you to everyone for your emails and of course, your prayers.

Roxanne