Wow. The comments have been amazing and encouraging. I am going to keep this short as I am exhausted and have not slept much in a few days.

Roxanne is sedated and very comfortable and resting. Her hemoglobin was down so they gave her 2 bags of blood. By this afternoon it was all back to ok. She still has coughing spells but not as bad as yesterday. They are still giving her antibiotics to fight the pneumonia and we are hoping they are working. Her breathing is 55% ventilator and 45% her own. That is better than last night. The doctors have decided they can not use the camera as it is to small to get an accurate reading of what is going on down in her lungs. They were going to do a swab/check of what the fluids are down in the lungs.
Michel and Nicole brought up fruit and water for us this morning. Thanks for everything you guys keep doing. A coworker of James's, Carolyn and Jana brought us up a wonderful lasagna caeser salad meal tonight. Carolyn has been a great inspiration for James and we greatly appreciate you. Thanks to Dennis Scott (teacher from Whitewood and a good friend of our family) for stopping by also. Justin had a great day with the Strueby grandkids. I believe Aunty Nadine and Grandma S took him to the Science centre. James is hanging in there.
Thanks to everyone for your continuous support.

The comments are overwhelming for me. I print them off and read them to Roxanne. She does not respond but I do believe that she is hearing me. Thanks for all the prayers and amazing words that you all use. It is very difficult for me to read them all. And of course I do shed alot of tears but it shows how much Roxanne has been an inspiration and how much she is loved by all.
Thank you, Thank you!!!! PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY
I must get some rest. I will talk more tomorrow and I hope this makes sense.
Cheryl

Good morning. It has been a sleepless night.
We went up around midnight and they did the intubation surgery. Everything went well. She is using 85%ventilator and 15 % of her own breathing. She was very sedated so we believe she was resting and comfortable. They will slowly try to decrease the use of the ventilator and hope that her lungs will begin to work on their own. Now it is a waiting game again. I hope this is all making sense. Roxanne is way better at leave a blog.
Thanks to Nicole and Brian for bringing supper last night. It was greatly appreciated. It was my brother Brians birthday yesterday also that we will celebrate at a later date. Happy Bday Brian.
To Trina....I will read her your comment. She will be very pleased to hear from you. You are very special to her.

I need to try and eat something. We will talk soon.
PRAY, PRAY, PRAY..........
Cheryl

Well today has been an emotional time. Roxanne is fighting.
The pneumonia is not clearing up and the cancer is growing. They are giving her morphine and antibiotics. She is on a respirator all the time. She is still coughing more and more. She is fighting but the doctors have given her a two week prognosis. Tomorrow they are planning on intubating which is a breathing tube with a camera to see what is all going on down there. In laymans terms it is basically life support. This is one of the hardest blogs for me to write. We are praying and asking God for a miracle!!!! She is very weak and said that she knows she is dying but she is not ready to go. Thank you because we are not ready to let her go. We know she is going to a better place and God will take care of her. He has a plan for her and hopefully it is for her to stay with us. James is doing as well as expected and Justin is having good fun with his cousins. We took Justin and my daughter Kirsten up to see herand she was very happy for that. She told them that she loved them. She is very aware of what is going on.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. I have been passing on the comments to Rox when I go in to see her. We appreciate all of the support and calls from everyone.
Cheryl

moved to ICU

Good morning all. Well yesterday was a roller coaster of a day. It seemed everytime James called there was more discouraging updates.

When Roxanne went in for chemo Tues the doctors were very concerned with her breathing so Dr Salim sent her to a respiratory specialist where they said she has pneumonia in both lungs. Her breathing was still very difficulty and she does not talk due to that. Her heart rate is very high and they are very concerned about that (around 135-140ish). It is stable but they are concerned that it could cause a heart attack. Therefore they moved her to ICU for full care. They have been running many tests and found that the cancer is not shrinking. She needs CHEMO. Once they can get all of the above in order then they can start chemo. Hopefully that is soon.
She was very happy that her brother Ron and Jen came from Airdrie. Her brothers Ray, Reg and Nadine, her mom and dad and myself went up to see her. They were able to get James a bed so he could sleep up there with her. He stopped by here last night and is hanging in there. He got a little sleep Tues night before he had to plan for his substitute.
Roxanne is in the right place. She is a fighter and will beat this. She needs lots of rest and is taking anitbiotics to fight the pneumonia. When I was up last night she nodded that she was comfortable. Amen to that. She was not coughing as much which helps her to be more comfortable because as in earlier blogs that has been a battle of its own for her.

Justin stayed with Ava and Mabel Tues night. He had his Wed preschool. Then grandma and grandpa Strueby took him to play with Ethan and Olivia (Ron's kids) and Ava and Mabel (Reg's). He had a sleep over last night here and slept very well.

I haven't heard from James yet today but will keep this blog updated.
Keep praying and stay optomistic!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the comments and prayers.
Keeping you updated
Cheryl

Chemo WAS to begin

Hello all. Don't be to dissappointed but it is Cheryl bringing you the updates. It is a rainy, dreary, cool morning here in Regina. Just a quick note.....

I just got off the phone with James and he was on his way to the hospital. Roxanne was admitted to Pasqua Hospital yesterday to begin her chemo. When she went in Dr. Salim was concerned with her breathing so he sent her to a respiratory specialist to check her chest. They ran many tests and found that she contracted pneumonia in both lungs. So today they will be running more tests. It is a little frustrating as she has been complaining about her breathing, coughing and phlegm for quite awhile. Pneumonia just doesn't come on over night. I don't understand but anyway she is in the right place to get past this stepping block and hopefully can do chemo next week. Rox is a fighter!!!!!

I will keep you all posted as I hear. Any comments left I do read them to her while she is in the hospital. Keep praying!!!!!!!
Thanks
Cheryl

Got oxygen?

A nurse at the Cancer Clinic set me up with home oxygen Friday afternoon. The fastest way to get it...enrolling with the Palliative Care Program. I told the nurse I was having problems with the word palliative, she said to focus on the extra services they can provide. Their goal is to keep you as independent as possible. I have a meeting with a Palliative Care Assessor Monday afternoon to see what needs I have. This was a hard step for me, but I do want to access as much service as I can. Medigas showed up with oxygen by suppertime and after a short orientation, I was hooked up. I try not to use it at rest, but when I'm walking I cannot be without it.

My mouth is healing slowly, but it's like my body is ordering in extra phlegm from foreign countries. I'm drowning in it, choking on it, and puking it up. Hope I can get a suction machine from someone. I'm tempted to hook up to the shop vac James has in the garage. It's hard to sleep when you have to sit up and hack away at phlegm. The muscles in my shoulders, back, and stomach are aching with pain, so I continue to use codeine for relief. I feel bad because I woke up the whole house this morning at 6:30 with my coughing, now we're all tired.

Justin and James went to the Pats (hockey) game Friday night with Brian (James' brother). Justin had a great time as he was allowed to holler and cheer as loud as he wanted. Thank you to Uncle Brian for the free tickets and the shirt he bought Justin. The rest of the weekend had James and Justin biking around the crescent with me sitting on the porch watching. How I desperately wanted to be out there with them, but just don't have the wind or energy. Glen (James' brother) and his son Calder (1 year old) came for a visit Sat. I enjoyed the distraction of Calder, stumbling around, searching through toys and remember Justin so well at that age. It was good to see Linda Beutler (manager Broadview Hospital) on Friday as well, thanks for the visit!

With the beautiful weather and excitement of spring I find myself more upset with my health. I just want to be out there with everyone else, having fun. I feel like I've been "benched" for the big game, and I'm not happy about it. It takes alot of talking with friends, God, and myself to get out of that rut. I really have to focus on getting better and see myself out there eventually.

Feeling tough.

The last few days have been difficult. I feel my breathing is more labored when walking. For those of you with lung problems, you know what it feels like. It's very scary and then I begin to panic. When I'm in panic mode breathing becomes even more difficult. I have to sit down halfway up the stairs for a break. It's almost like my breathing is a team of runaway horses and it is so hard to catch up and gain control again. I phoned the Cancer Clinic to set up some home oxygen and I'm waiting for them to call me back (my Social Worker is on vacation).

There are other emotions too, crying easily, impatient, anxiety, and extreme fatigue. All feelings I've been told are common with chemo. You think about quality of life and how millions of people have gone through the same process, wondering how they did it. Because when you're in the middle of it yourself, it almost feels impossible. A simple walk from the bed to the bathroom to get my medication feels like miles. At least I'm able to rest whenever I need to. Sometimes I feel like I've slept for hours, then look at the clock and see it's only been 30 minutes. It makes the days feel long. I've been alone the past 2 days during the day. Justin goes to the sitter (Corrine Melnychuk) and even though he hasn't been there since December, he loves it. I wasn't too excited about being by myself, but somehow I get through. Cheryl stopped by yesterday t0 check in on me and today Yvonne Archer stopped by for a visit (fellow RN from Broadview). Simple things like setting up a tube feed, or taking medications on time feels like homework, but they have to be done.

Wed night I was happy to get a visit from Shawnee Kay, another fellow Broadview RN. I have to thank her and Yvonne for stopping by, even for a short visit. They both have such crazy senses of humor and big hearts. I never feel "up" for company, but when they get here, I don't want them to leave. The support I've received helps so much and is invaluable.

Vince, your message got through (and your mom's). I can't believe I had such power over you as a 5 year old to convince you to pretend we were married. You, Elita, and your mom have always felt like family to me and I'm pleased to hear all is well.

I've been receiving your emails and love hearing from you all. Take care and God Bless!

Saw Dr. Salim

Yesterday I was a jittery bundle of nerves and decided to phone my Social Worker at the Cancer Clinic. I said I was concerned about delaying chemo, and wanting my CT results, and my tongue was coated in white and very sore. She pounced into action, went directly to my nurse and relayed my concerns. My nurse spoke with Dr. Salim and called me back. They sent a script for a mouth rinse to my pharmacy that mom and dad picked up right away. She asked if I wanted an appointment with him Tueday (today) at 8:45 am. Of course, yes!

James took me to the clinic and mom and dad stayed with Justin. I had a different nurse who was very concerned about my shortness of breath when walking. This was the first time anyone had checked my oxygen saturation at the clinic (they could never find the machine). It was 91% at rest, but I know it's worse when walking. She also asked more questions and seemed thorough. God knows I needed someone like her today. She sent me for a chest x-ray to rule out other causes for short breath (fluid). I was given a wheelchair for James to push me to x-ray and thankfully he didn't crash me into a wall. I told James I could really get back into shopping if I had a wheelchair; he said that's why I won't get one.

Dr. Salim said my CT scan results were no worse or better than the last one. The good news is it's not getting larger. He noticed some shrinkage in smaller spots and said I was "stable". He wanted to compare today's x-ray with my last one. Of course it was taken at a different lab and had to be couriered over. He said we could wait until he reviewed both or go home. I was literally wiped out by then and chose to go home. He also gave me some codeine to help with mouth pain and ease my coughing. He reminded me that he was doing his best and so was I, and we're not done.

Chemo will have to wait until next week as he wants my mouth to have a chance to heal. Even a small infection during chemo could lead to a big mess. If my mouth would have been okay he was willing to send me to Saskatoon for this week (if possible). I would have been so excited to go back there and see Dr. El Gayed and that crew again. I still find the care in Saskatoon was extra special and more thorough (sorry Regina). Although Dr. Salim has his moments where I have complete confidence and trust in him ( and he's pretty funny too).

What a relief to have some answers. The anxiety of the last few days has lifted and I had a great nap when I got home. Dr. Salim reminded me that extreme fatigue is common with someone who gets the "heavy duty" meds like me. I would have loved him to say there was 50% shrinkage, but it is what it is. The lovely mouth rinse and codeine he gave me are easing my pain and decreasing my cough. I always had faith in meds and no wonder I was such a pill pusher at the nursing home (I used to take 15 minutes to help an old girl take her stool softener liquid and her pain reliever). I'm so glad I phoned in when I did. My Social Worker is amazing and I thank her continually for her help. So don't sit at home suffering next time, a phone call is all it takes to get the ball rolling.

Exciting day for me (because I left the house!). It's weird how I always feel better when I'm at the hospital. I guess it reminds me of work and work was family for me in Broadview (patients and co-workers). It just feels comfortable to me. I imagine that some day I'll be the nurse standing in line for coffee (make mine decaf).

Thanks for the love and prayers!

Coughing, Phlegm, and Fatigue

That title pretty much sums up my weekend. On Thursday and Friday Grandma Brule (James' mom) was here and she brought treats from the Broadview Bakery. Unfortunately, the donuts don't last very long and I can only eat half a donut at a time (half a donut...how pathetic!!). I wish I could say I'm eating more, but I'm not. I keep tube feeding three times a day, but I really miss the social part of eating. I don't eat with everyone else, I sit in the recliner or in my bedroom. It doesn't bother me to watch people eating, it's just discouraging to try and eat and have to stop because of sore teeth or nausea or something else.

Friday night I had a horrible sleep. Which also means so did James. I coughed for a long time and couldn't stop until I almost throw up. This leads to my chest, shoulder, and neck muscles aching with knots. I keep begging James to massage my back to distract me from coughing and ease the muscle pain. I've also talked Justin into rubbing my shoulders. He's not very good but at least he tries to help.

Saturday was Glen's (James' brother) birthday party. I went and ate cake and watched the kids playing (and screaming). I could have watched those kids horse around for hours but of course, I got tired. It was the stangest feeling of deja vu as I slept in the bedroom and everyone else played games and laughed. I remembered being a kid and having to go to bed when "the adults" stayed up. It's funny how even a simple memory can make you smile and make you feel a little better.

Today I battled with phlegm and nausea. I know now why people shouldn't go to work when they are sick. It's like I couldn't even think straight and simply treat my symptoms. I eventually took some Gravol and was happy the nausea passed. The phlegm, it never goes away for too long, like the "Enegizer Bunny" it keeps going and going.

The musical therapist referred me to someone in the Palliative Care Program who contacted us and said I could get free tube feeding supplies on their program. That's great! Except, I am having a hard time admitting I'm a palliative patient. It almost feels like I'm giving up, which I know sounds crazy. I will likely enroll in their program and "flunk out" when I'm done with this mess.

I wish my energy would return because it's hard to feel good about yourself when you sleep all day. Which is totally ironic considering as a teenager I would have loved to sleep all day. I force myself to get out when I can because I know fresh air and a change of scenery keeps me from getting "the blues". I often pray to God for strength and guidance and to get me through this.

Thanks for listening and take care.

Feels like it's been awhile since I sat at the computer. I'd love to tell you I've been busy and out of the house, but honestly I've been so very tired. Every morning I set up my "breakfast" tube feed and watch The View. By the time I'm done cleaning up, I need to lie down. Maybe it's those women on The View that make me tired, they sure can talk..and argue. I try to spend some time with Justin before my next feeding and by the afternoon I need another nap! On one hand it's frustrating to keep taking time outs, but on the other, at least I can get some rest. As I nurse I always said, if a patient is sleeping at least we know they aren't having pain at that time. I kind of like my naps, probably because I've mastered how to get my pillows in the exact strategic position for a very comfortable rest.

Mom and Dad left Wed after taking Justin to Preschool and dropping me off at my friend Joan's. I thank them again for all their help. I had a great visit with Joan as she always lifts me up spiritually. Cheryl picked up Justin and I and we went to her house for supper. I was surprised how tired I was. I could barely keep my head up and eyes open. James came for supper and I was way too tired to eat. As three adults and three kids had supper, I slept on the couch. You know I'm wiped if I can sleep through all those Brule's talking and laughing. I intended to go shopping with James, but had zero energy. It's like my mind said to my body "You mean you can't even go shopping!! That's our favorite thing to do!!" James took Justin with him to badminton practice and Cheryl drove me home when she went to Balgonie to curl. I'm not comfortable driving my car and I find it very difficult being dependent on others for a ride. I always found driving relaxing and often took Justin for drives to "look for cows". Yet another thing I have to give up...for now.

I haven't had time to answer emails but sure like hearing from all of you. I check the computer at least twice a day for any mail I may have received. The power of words can really bring you out of your "down time". I still feel good about "where I am", I just don't have the spunk and spark I used too. Fatigue has made me feel lazy and want to stay close to home. I have to remind myself that rest is a good thing and these side effects of chemo won't last forever.

The other night Justin and I were watching a movie in our bedroom. He hugged me tight and said "I miss mommy". For a moment I had this surge of anger towards cancer for making him feel this way. Such a huge reason to fight this terrible disease and get on with our lives.

Thank You to the Greenall High School Wellness Committee for the beautiful flowers they sent me. They continue to give us strength through their support and showing they care.

I just heard from my nurse Bev. There is a Norwalk Virus outbreak on the oncology ward and my chemo has to be delayed a week...or longer. I now see Dr. Salim Mar 26 and book chemo from there. I'm almost disappointed because the sooner I'm done, the sooner I'm done! But I don't wish to catch the Norwalk virus, especially now. If really stuck, I should tell them to send me to Saskatoon to my previous oncologist, Dr. El Gayed. I miss him and really felt extra cared for by him. I asked Bev to see if my CT scan results are back and if they are if someone could call me. She said when the results are in someone will call.

Talk to you on the weekend!

Feeling pretty good today. Mom and Dad are still here so I literally don't have to lift a finger and can rest. I needed lots of rest yesterday as I had a CT scan at 8:15am and that was just too early for me. Had to get up at 5:00 am to have a special drink for the test and just when I got comfy, my alarm rang to get ready. I reminded myself I used to get up at 5:30 when I was working and always enjoyed the peace and quiet at that time of day. I would have rather been drinking coffee than one litre of water (it's really hard to drink that much in 30 minutes!)

That morning I was also struck with a terrible pain to my right shoulder blade. Anytime I would breathe in deeply or cough, it felt like a knife. You can imagine the anxiety that comes along with that kind of pain and can't help but wonder what is going on inside to cause it. You want to believe it's something minor, but after thinking I had pneumonia and being told it was lung metasteses I find myself preparing for anything. I had convinced myself it was a pulled muscle and had James massaging it until his hand was cramping. I couldn't reach it and told him, it's like an itch I can't scratch. It only felt better when he would massage it. In the meantime, I dreaded coughing. It went like this "Cough...ow...cough..OW!!" Mom wanted me to go to the hospital, but I of course wanted to "give it a day". I had a pretty good sleep and by this afternoon, the pain is gone. I resumed my stretches that my physio gave me as my right shoulder had some tendonitis after surgery.

It's too bad I felt so lousy on a beautiful day. I had alot of fun watching Justin splashing in the water with the neighbor boys Conner and Riley. I wished so badly I could jump in the water with them and splash around. I got to laugh and smile at the fun they were having and the fun I had as a kid doing the same thing. Except I had the big ditch in front of Ernie Muggli's and plastic bags on my feet. Justin was soaked when he came in.

Time for another tube feed. I'll see if there's anything mom's made that will make me want to eat. It's frustrating when food smells so good, but when I start eating, I want to throw up. I keep trying to eat whatever is made and hope this lack of appetite will pass.

Take care and God Bless!

After my turmoil on Thursday, I was feeling much better with some rest on Friday. Thankfully, Grandma Brule (James'mom) was here to help out. After my last post I had some emails reminding me that I'm spunkier than I was feeling that day. I thank everyone for their encouragement, it helps me focus on what's important, staying positive and beating cancer. I don't know where my "spark" went, I assume it's from the doom and gloom chemo tends to bring out in us. Life is really what you make it, and right now, life needs me to rest and re-charge my batteries. It's like I'm in "time-out" for a few months, and although it's tough, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe it's the nice weather and the promise of spring, but I'm started to get excited for the future.

Saturday was a busy day. Grandma Brule took Justin for the day and I rested up for a night out. James' High School (Greenall) in Balgonie hosted a "Steak Night" fundraiser for us at Tony Roma's in Regina. There were about 84 people who came out and it was a thrilling time for us. It was mostly for teachers and staff in the school division, but with extra tickets available family and some neighbors from Balgonie were also able to attend. They had a silent auction with beautiful gifts donated from anyone who had items to give. I really enjoyed catching up with Broadview friends, meeting new people from James' work, and family. What an incredible feeling to know peolple have come together to support your family. It was like I could feed off the energy in the room, it kept me going, letting me simply have a great time with some fun, caring people. It reminded me that I really like to socialize and "party". I'm told the food was good (I didn't eat) and everyone seemed to have a good time. I sipped my 7-Up all nite cruising from table to table. At one point I grabbed a glass of wine and took a big sniff...Ahh wait until summer.

I want to thank those who couldn't make it, but sent a note or a donation. I am continually amazed and inspired by the generosity of others. I met James' co-worker Carolyn who organized the event and feel privileged to know this spectacular woman with a heart of gold. It was alot of work for her and of course other staff members helped out. Greenall has been so understanding during this time, and for being new members of their family, we cannot thank them enough.

If you know James, we were of course the second last couple to leave. I was physically exhausted and had a huge coughing fit in the car that involved our "puke pail" and some regurgitation. I laugh when I think about the days I left a party and threw up for different reasons. I did feel better after and had a fairly good night's sleep.

Justin spent the evening with his cousins Kirsten and Dylan (and some babysitters). He is such a little trouper to go with the flow and not cause us too much trouble. I haven't put him to bed in a long time, so it was a treat for me to hold him tight as he fell asleep.

I'm looking forward to this week as it's my second week off from chemo and I usually feel pretty good. My parents are here until Tuesday so I can continue to re-charge.

Thanks for your love and prayers, Roxanne.

Tough Day

Thursday started out as usual, same aches and fatigue. Thankfully, James was home from work as I had a visit from a Musical Therapist in the afternoon. I was referred to her by my Social Worker and had a good visit with her. However, it was one little comment she inadvertently said that made the day "tough" for me mentally. I don't hold it against her because I think she was trying to be open and honest with me, she just casually said "So I gather from the information in your chart that there is no cure for you" KABOOM! After the smoke cleared from the bomb she dropped, I tried to gather my thoughts and address her comment. I explained that I know I'm in serious trouble and honestly, "cure" is almost too strong a word for what I'm striving for. I'm really aiming for remission because I think cancer is a fight I will keep battling and whether it returns within the year or in fifty years, I don't know. Nobody knows. I don't know why I took it so hard, but I did. I wanted to read my chart and go through her notes to see what everyone is saying about me. But, all I can do is wait for the next test results and go from there. It doesn't matter what my prognosis is on paper, from a month ago. I have to deal with my most recent results and pray they are positive.

But it was almost like a seed of doubt had been planted in my mind and I couldn't let it go. I kept back-tracking in my mind to what Dr. Salim told me, "I'm optomistic I can shrink it, but I can't guarantee it won't come back." I was happy with that prognosis. I thought about others I know who've had lung cancer and are now in remission. I prayed for stength and for God to ease my mind, but it was still there. I'll admit I'm a bit of a control freak, but when you can't control your thoughts it's frustrating. I wasn't wallowing in tears, I was just...troubled. It was a lot of work to get past this "rut" and I felt more exhausted than ever. I managed to get some sleep (with medication) and I am feeling more postive today. This hasn't been the only time I have confronted the inevitability of death and I think I developed some coping mechanisms that will help me next time.

I have a CT scan Monday morning and review the results with Dr. Salim on the 19th. That will be the next step in evaluating my progress. I'm happy with my breathing at rest, but still have my cough. My appetite is still poor, almost non-existent, after yesterday I promised myself to tube feed three times a day. I have to keep up my nutrition.

I'm really tired so I'll sign off for now. Thank you to everyone for your emails and of course, your prayers.

Roxanne

Had a quiet day today. Mom and dad went home yesterday, so it was Justin and I this morning until my brother Ray stopped by. I managed to make Justin breakfast and dinner which may not seem like a "big deal", but to me it was nice to take care of someone else. Ray took Justin to preschool and bought him a toy hockey player after (Darryl Sittler - more for me than him). Ray swears Justin picked it out himself because he was wearing blue. My "Habs" fan husband did not think it was a good idea. Thanks to Ray for helping out today.

Did not sleep well last night, still having upset stomach with cramps. Didn't puke!! Not hungry today so tube fed 3 times, they didn't bother me as much today. I hung my "food" on a nail and answered e mails in the meantime. It's called "multi-tasking". Thanks for your e mails, I did answer most of them and love the pictures being sent. I will try to get some pictures on this blog sometime soon.

My jaw still stiffens but not as much. I have exercises to keep it "seizing up" from my Speech Pathologist in Saskatoon. Some of you may know her, Amy Gantefoer. She has been incredibly supportive and a constant source of honesty and wisdom. Mouth cancer is something Amy deals with regularly so her advice and guidance keeps me grounded and aware of what to expect. She works with my ENT (Ear Nose & Throat Dr.) Dr. Spafford and I still touch base with them weekly. I'm very lucky to have both of them helping me.

James took Justin to the school tonite so I can rest some more. I need to find a good Yoga DVD to get back into shape. After "lounging" for 1 month I'm starting to feel like some toning and exercise would be a good idea.

I'll leave you with a notion I mentioned in an e mail today. I never thought cancer would ever happen to me, part of that invincibility as a teenager. I can no longer as "Why" or "How come", because there is no answer and I would drive myself crazy looking for one. I just take each new hurdle as it comes and it really feels good to get a little further along. Like feeling lousy after chemo, and then slowly feeling better. It's a little step in the road, but what a great feeling to have even a little step behind me.

Take care, Roxanne.

Feeling better!

After a crappy weekend, I'm finally feeling better. My symptoms are manageable, but there are so many little things that add up to feeling plain lousy. Not alot of nausea, but lots of wretching and gagging (sorry to get graphic), I should have abs of steel by the end of this. I really don't like throwing up, so at the first sign of any trouble, I'm taking anti-nausea meds and sipping 7-Up or Ginger Ale. I'm so stubborn I can make puke stop in it's tracks! Only threw up a little bit last 2 nights, not enough to freak out about. I have a trick where I take off my glasses when sick so I don't see what's coming. Let's face it, it's the sights and smells that trigger more action (at work I would look away and breathe through my mouth). Poor James, I hand "the pail" to him and say "Rinse it out please". That was our deal when Justin would get sick, because James can't smell very good, he was the clean up crew. No need to break routine now...right?!

My appetite is okay, but it could be mom's cooking and Cheryl's apple crisp helping it. My tube feeds seem to bother me more now where they "back up" on me causing heartburn and a sore tongue. I keep going because I would starve without it. I have to run it really slow, which sometimes means 2 hours tied to the wall. Oh well, nothing else to do.

I'm getting "cabin fever" and don't like staying at home. I want to get out, but not willing to come across a cold or get too tired in my travels. I've always been aware of germs, but I think about Dr. Salim who said "You've got to live your life too". Thanks to Sheila for reminding me what a "biggie" this sacrifice is for the Lenten season, have to keep some sort of perspective. I had blood work done monday, so I'll hear today how my "counts" are. I'm thankful for my computer as a link to the outside world. I manage to answer e mails and write this blog to keep my sanity. If at any point I sound "insane" please call me on it, I don't want to be the next Howard Hughes.

Thanks for your support and comments, the memories and smiles you send do cheer me up and keep me going strong.

Love and Prayers,

Roxanne

Wow! I'm tired!

I spent most of Sat asleep. Funny how you crave sleep during the night, but it comes most easily during the day. Justin came home and it was so good to have his excitement and energy back in the house, but keeping my eyes open seemed impossible. I don't bother fighting sleep, I obviously need it. My day turned tough around 5:30pm with an intense wave of nausea and cold sweats. I called for James, but even though he couldn't do anything for me, I didn't want to be alone. I took my Zofran (anti-nausea) right away and the spell passed in about 20 minutes. I was then hit with painful stomach cramps, but they only lasted until 10:00pm.

I wish my appetite was better, but food is not interesting to me at all. All I want to eat is sandwiches, but I can't with only 2 bottom teeth (way at the back). I REALLY miss the Bakery in Broadview!! I wasn't given dexamethasone to take home after this round and only enough Zofran until Sun morning. I phoned the Cancer Clinic and asked why not, they said if I really need it I can have it. If I run into trouble on the weekend, just phone. Dexamethasone made me hungry and want to eat last time, I'm too tired right now to even think about food. I run tube feeds 3 times a day, this way I can eat and sleep at the same time (that sounds lazy doesn't it).

My mouth is the main concern. Tongue is very dry, like sandpaper, and my jaw feels like it is too heavy to move. There is also a horrible taste in my mouth, like hospital food has left it's imprint and long lasting flavor (yuck!). Of course, thick phlegm/saliva is always a pain, but that is something I'll likely have forever, just not as much as now. I had a friend we nick-named "Phlegmy" years ago, I think the name suits me more now. I keep sipping on water, tea, and other fluids (sadly no alcohol which would probably cure other ailments). I use a gel called "Oral Balance" for my dry tongue and Tylenol for my jaw. I remind myself to treat the symptoms and get through this. I'm really halfway done as I'm scheduled for 4 rounds. That could change and result in more chemo or radiation at the end, but we'll tackle that when it comes.

Oddly enough, my breathing is the least of my concerns. I still run out of air on movement, but I'm really comfortable at rest. I slept pretty good last night (up a few times) and was smiling at how air was going in and out. It felt effortless, like it used to. I take small victories where I can get them.

Thanks again for your interest. You all know I love to talk, especially about myself (joking). I think it's because of my "sign" Aries - we love being the center of attention. I guess cancer thought I needed to re-connect with old friends (not everything about cancer has to be negative). I really enjoy hearing from you. If anyone wants to e mail me directly with pictures of your kids or whatever, I'm at james.roxy@sasktel.net. Even if you want to know something I'm not writing about, like how the weather is terrible lately, drop me a line and I promise to answer. I love this technology and hope sharing my "journey" with you gives peace of mind that everything is going to be okay.

Love and Prayers,
Roxanne

Second Round...done!!

Whoo Hoo!! So good to have another batch of poison done. Got home today around 11:00am. Not too bad this time, having a bit of a sore, very dry mouth, and my jaw stiffens when tired. I'm afraid insomnia has taken over again, but I manage to nap throughout the day. I was told by my doctor to keep taking my sleeping pill until chemo is done, I need the rest. Justin still in Muenster with Grandma & Grandpa and although I'm really tired I miss him like crazy. They should be back tomorrow or Sunday. The hospital food was terrible, I hardly ate a thing this time, but ran my tube feeds. My appetite is not nearly as strong as it was the first time. I do crave anything sweet, but it's stuff that needs alot of work, like apple crisp and lemon pie. Hope Rosie (mom) is up for some baking this weekend. Thanks to Nicole, Ray, Reg, Cheryl, mom, dad, James, and Justin for their visits at the hospital.

I gotta tell you your comments are truly amazing and inspirational to me. All of you who "surprised " me, each gave such clear, great memories of growing up and how much fun really went on back then. At the time I knew how lucky I was to know all of you, but it's just so heart warming and touching to hear from you after all the years. Thank you so much!!! Especially for all the prayers and reminding me that I am a fighter and can win. Cancer isn't easy, it's a challenge and has some pretty tough moments. But when you get past those tough times with kind words from others, prayer, and positivity, I cannot describe the incredible feeling of warmth and surge of energy it gives me. I've told others that there is something inside me, in my stomach and in my heart, that feels like a little warrior waiting to burst out. I think she was always there, ready to fight, being stubborn, and not willing to give up. Cancer has woken her up and...let's just say she's angry...and has my teenage temper.

Well, that's how I'm feeling today, mostly tired. This blog is quite therapeutic and I thank you for listening to my ramblings.

Take care and God Bless! Roxanne